Never Have I Ever
by Annastesia LaFayette
Summary: Archer gets a couple bottles of a new Klingon alcohol as a drinking game breaks out between Archer, Tucker, Reed, Sato and Mayweather


_**A/N:** Just a silly short that popped into my head._

**_Never Have I Ever_**

Archer had gotten his hands on a couple bottles of a new type of alcohol and he was excited to share with some of the crew, the only one's to bite and come to his quarters for a sample were Travis, Hoshi, Malcolm and of course Trip.

They each took a small, cautious sip to prepare themselves for the drink. Trip licked his lips. "Not half bad. What's it called?"

Jon gave a slight chuckle. "Blood wine."

Trip got a little pale. "B-blood? What kind of blood? _Whose_ blood?"

Jon shrugged a shoulder. "I don't think it's actual blood...at least it doesn't taste like it. Maybe that's just what the Klingons call it, I don't know, but it tastes good. Drink up everybody." He raised his glass in a toast before downing the shot.

Everyone else followed suit and tossed back their shots. "How did you get ahold of Klingon alcohol, sir?" Hoshi inquired.

Jon smiled and shook his head. "Alright...first rule...we're off duty and you are all in my quarters drinking. I don't want to hear "sir" or "captain" for the rest of the night...it's simply "Jon," got it?"

They all nodded before Jon answered Hoshi's question. "I got it from that cargo ship captain a few days ago. He didn't tell me how he got it, and I didn't ask. Who's ready for another round?"

They all waited until Jon refilled everyone's drinks before taking another shot. Trip blew out a big breath. "Woo. That's some pretty potent stuff there."

Jon nodded. "Sure is. Who has a shift tomorrow? I don't want anyone knocked on their ass that they can't report for duty in the morning."

They all looked at each other. "I'm off." "Me too." "So am I." "Same here." They all replied.

Jon held up a hand. "Wait, wait, wait. Myself and my entire senior staff is off duty tomorrow? How the hell did that happen?"

Trip chuckled. "Don't know Cap'n...I ain't gonna question it though."

Trip and Jon gave each other a look as wide grins slowly crept across their faces. "You know what we're going to do tonight?" Jon asked in a mischievous tone.

Trip nodded. "We are gonna get _SO_ hammered!"

Hoshi bounced excitedly. "Oooh! I know! Let's play a game...a drinking game!"

Jon chuckled. "What did you have in mind, Hosh?"

"How about never have I ever?" She grinned.

Travis crinkled his brows. "I've heard of it, but I never played. What do you do?"

Malcolm gave a smirk. "Even _I've_ played this. It's simple really. We go around and say "never have I ever..." and if you've done the thing the person says, you have to take a drink."

"So how do you win?" Travis asked.

Jon let out a loud laugh. "I guess if you don't pass out...you win. Ok, sounds like fun. Hosh, help me toss some pillows around the coffee table to sit on."

After getting the pillows arranged and the drinks set up, Jon turned to Hoshi. "It was you're idea to play, you start."

"Um...ok. Never have I ever...um...had a cat."

Trip and Malcolm drank.

"Ok. I'm next." Jon said. "Never have I ever...dyed my hair."

Hoshi drank as Trip narrowed his eyes. "Do highlights count?"

Hoshi nodded. "Yes! Drink up, Trip."

"Damn." Trip muttered as he took his shot.

Travis was next. "Um...ok...uh...never have I ever...smoked tobacco?"

"Well shit." Trip said as he took another shot.

Jon chuckled as he took his shot. "Well Trip. Three to one. You're turn...what you got?" He grinned.

Trip thought for a second. "Oh! Here's one that I _know_ you'll have to take a drink. Never have I ever lost 500 credits on ONE poker hand!"

"Not fair Trip! I had a full house!" Jon took his shot. To everyone's shock, Hoshi took her shot as she simply shrugged.

Malcolm was next. "Never have I ever went scuba diving." Everyone took a shot except Malcolm.

The first round was a little lame, Jon realized, but figured it was just the warm-up round. After the third round and things were still lame, it occurred to him that it must be because no one wanted to play risky in front of their captain.

He decided that it was up to him to break the ice. "Never have I ever...had sex with another member of the crew."

He leaned back slightly with a smirk, proud of himself for making so many eyes pop out at one time.

"Fuck!" Trip huffed as he downed his shot.

Jon shook his head. "Oh no, Trip. I think you should have to take 2 shots...one for T'Pol and one for Amanda Cole."

"I didn't sleep with Amanda!" Trip protested.

"Ok, ok." Jon chuckled.

Hoshi and Travis suddenly lifted their drinks and downed the shots. Trip's jaw dropped, waving a finger between the two. "Y-you guys...uh...?"

"NO! Not with each other!" They both yelled in unison.

"Ok. Who?" Trip wagged his brows.

"I'm not telling." Travis grinned.

"A lady doesn't kiss and tell." Hoshi blushed.

Travis was next and gave a wicked chuckle. "Ok...I guess if we're going to go for shock factor...never have I ever kissed someone of the same gender in a romantic way."

Jon, Hoshi, and Travis started laughing. Malcolm quickly downed his shot as the laughing abruptly stopped.

Malcolm shrugged his shoulder. "What? I went to an all boys boarding school. It was just an experiment."

Trip slowly reached out and took a shot.

Jon's jaw dropped. "Trip? I...I thought I knew all your secrets."

"Well if I told you, it wouldn't be a secret, would it? Ah...it was college and I was curious, that's all. Shut up, my turn. Never have I ever...hmm...had sex in a shuttle."

Malcolm laughed. "You mean you've never shagged in a shuttle, Trip?"

"No. Why? Have you?" Trip asked annoyed.

"No, but I would have been certian that you of all people would have...hey..." Malcolm stopped when he noticed Travis taking a shot.

Jon gave Travis a sideways look. "When you were on your parents cargo ship...right?"

Travis grinned. "There too."

Jon looked horrified. "One of _Enterprise's_ shuttles? Oh Travis!"

Trip looked even more horrified. "Which one? When? Please tell me you cleaned up after!"

Travis waved a hand. "Yes, we cleaned up after. Pod two...I think, and it was when Gannett was here."

Malcolm let out a small chuckle. "Ok...ok...my turn, right-o. Never have I ever had sex on a lift." He made a noise through his nose and went into a laugh.

Trip shook his head. "I think Brit-boy is getting plastered." He said before he took his shot.

"I think we're all getting pretty happy, Trip." Jon said as he took his shot.

Travis laughed. "I think you are, sir...uh...Jon...uh yeah. You just took a shot and I highly doubt you ever did it on the turbo lift...unless you _have_ done something with one of the crew."

Jon smirked. "He didn't say on the ship's lift."

Trip fell back into a laughing fit at Jon's response. "Well shit! In that case...somebody hand me my drink!"

Travis let out a laugh. "You already took a shot!"

"Oh. Ok then." Trip's voice came from the floor.

Hoshi snickered. "Ok...never have I ever...been spanked during sex."

Trip suddenly bolted up, looking Hoshi in the eye. "Are you serious? You never had anyone spank you?"

"No." She replied cooly.

All the men took a drink as Trip continued. "Huh. I can't believe you've never been spanked. You know...I...uh...well...I can change that for you."

"Trip!" Jon yelled.

"What?" Trip looked at Jon acting innocent.

Malcolm snorted into a laugh. "I-I do believe that ship's discipline falls under the captain's duties."

Jon's cheeks turned a bright red. "Malcolm...that's not funny."

Travis went into his own hysterics. "Yes it is!"

Jon shot Travis a glare. "Oh, you want funny? Never have I ever cross-dressed."

Travis stopped laughing. "Hey! I told you that in private!"

Trip raised his head to the ceiling. "Whoa, whoa, wait a minute! What!?"

Travis took his drink before muttering. "I lost a bet to my brother and had to wear one of my mom's dresses to the dining hall for dinner."

"Oh _please_ tell me there's pictures!" Trip howled.

"Not anymore." Travis smirked.

Jon cocked a brow. "Uh, Malcolm? Care to share with the group why you took a drink?"

Trip and Hoshi were so intent on Travis they didn't notice. "Oh my god, Malcolm! Did you lose a bet too?" Hoshi laughed.

"No. I told you I went to an all boys school. We were putting on a play. _Romeo and Juliet._ I was Juliet."

Jon snickered. "I don't even want to know were Juliet hid a phase pistol!"

That sent everyone into a roaring laugh as Malcolm scowled. "Oh ha ha. I have more depth than just weapons, you know."

Trip clasped a hand on Malcolm's shoulder. "I'm sure you do...but you have to admit, weapons and blowing shit up is what you really live for."

Malcolm muttered something under his breath that the rest couldn't decipher as Trip continued. "Ok...time...time to really pull out the punches. Never have I ever ordered a course correction for a booty call."

"Trip!" Jon yelled

"What's a booty call?" Malcolm asked.

Hoshi shook her head. "American slang. It means sex without strings attached."

Malcolm chuckled. "Oh. Yeah, sorry Jon, you got to drink. Everyone knows why we meet up with _Columbia_ when she's in the vicinity."

"Cheap shot, Trip." Jon muttered as he took his drink.

Trip laughed. "Well, you started it."

Jon chuckled. At least he was being a good sport about it. "You're right, and now I'm ending it. No more targeting phrases. Mal...your turn."

Malcolm thought for a minute. "Oh, I know. Never have I ever been skinny-dipping."

Trip gave him a look. "Of course _you_ haven't, being scared of water and all."

"I go in the water! Just up to my chest, but I still go." Malcolm protested.

"I'm-I'm gonna have to teach you to swim. That's all there is to it. I'm just gonna have to teach you to swim. You really don't know what you're missing." Trip took his shot as did the others.

Malcolm got a sly grin. "You know...if you really want to teach me how to swim...we could kill two birds with one stone."

"What! What was that?" Trip looked at Malcolm confused.

Malcolm looked at Trip. "What?" He suddenly got a sickening look. "Oh. Did I say that out loud? I uh...I didn't mean like...uh. I just meant if you teach me to swim then I _could_ go skinny-dipping at sometime. Bugger. That didn't sound right."

Trip snorted into a laugh. "I think I know what you meant, and I think you're getting a bit snookered."

"I think we all are." Jon said as he stumbled across the room to throw the empty bottle in the trash chute, giving it a salute as he called out. "Bon voyage bottle! Enjoy your ride to the recycling! I gotta piss."

"That way Jonny boy!" Trip pointed a finger in the general direction of the bathroom.

"Guess it's true what they say...you only rent it." Travis laughed out. "I-I think I'm going to stumble my way back to my quarters now and pass out in my own bed."

"Lightweight." Trip snickered as he finished his drink.

Malcolm stood up...well more like wobbled to a stand. "I-I don't know, Tuckah Trip." He let out a laugh. "Trip-Trip. Trip Tuckah. You're looking a bit rat-arsed yourself. Let me help you get back home."

Trip stumbled to a stand. "Yeah...good i-idea. But whose gonna help you?"

Malcolm nodded. "Ok...you-you help me get home, then...then I help you get home, then you help me get home...yeah, that works."

"Oh. Ok." Trip said as if it made complete sense.

After everyone left, Jon came from the bathroom to find Hoshi picking up the pillows from the floor. "Hey. Where did everybody go?"

"They decided they were too drunk and went to their own quarters to pass out."

"Awww! I wanted to play some more...it was just getting good and I got another whole bottle! Awww!" Jon said as he took a couple staggering steps.

Hoshi giggled. "I think you should lay down yourself...before you fall down!"

Jon shook his head. "Uh-huh. I wanna keep playing. We can play with two...be more fun that way..."

Hoshi grinned. "Oh sure...never have I ever been a captain." She roared into a laugh. "See how well that would work out? Now you have to drinky-pooh."

Jon grinned. "Got a point there. How about a twist to the game?"

She cocked her head to the side. "What did you have in mind?"

He narrowed his eyes at her. "More like a guessing game, if I guess right, you drink. Never have _you_ ever...um...woke up to someone giving you oral." He cracked a wide grin.

Her eyes got wide. "Oh, I see...and if I have woken up like that...I have to drink?"

He nodded. "Mm-hmm. So? Is that a drink or not?"

Her cheeks got a little pink. "I guess that's a drink."

He gave her a very wide grin. "Ok...your turn."

She thought for a minute. "Never have _you_ ever had someone give you head...underwater."

His brows shot up. "That would be a drink." He took a step closer to her. "Never have you ever...slept with a commanding officer."

She bit her lower lip. "Sorry...no drink." She said as she took a step towards him. "Never have you ever...handcuffed a woman to your bed."

"Omf. That would be a drink. Never have you ever been handcuffed to a bed." He took another step towards her.

"That would be a no drink." She stepped to him, their bodies close enough together to feel the heat between them.

He reached out and rubbed his hand down her arm. "Would you like to be?"

She looked up at him. "If it were the right person...someone I fully trust."

"You know you can trust me. Don't you?" His voice was thick and husky as he looked into her eyes.

"With my life." She whispered to him as she looked back up at him. The pair drew closer as if there were a magnetic pull until their lips met.

XXX

Trip and Malcolm stumbled through the halls laughing as Malcolm tried to loudly sing a drunken British song that Trip didn't know.

_"Where are me pants_

_Me noggin' noggin' pants_

_All gone for beer and tobacco_

_Oh the zipper is wore out_

_And the knees are frayed about_

_And me ass is looking out for better weather_

_And it's all for me grog_

_Me jolly, jolly grog_

_All gone for beer and tobacco_

_Oh, I spent all me tin down_

_On South Street drinking gin_

_Across the western ocean we must wander"_

Trip let out a roar of a laugh. "When...when we're sober, you teach me that song...ok?"

"Righty-O mate! Tuckah! Righty-O!" Malcolm snickered as he looked around. "Where...um...where are we going?"

Trip stopped for a moment since he truly forgot where they were headed. "Oh yeah. Your quarters. Right over here...mate." He laughed out as they staggered a few more paces to Malcolm's room.

Once at the door, Malcolm looked up at Trip and give him a mischievous grin. "You-you know what?"

"No. What?" Trip asked as he used the wall to hold him up.

Malcolm let out a laugh. "Know what? What? No what." He laughed again as Trip stood trying to figure out the joke.

Trip gave up and shook his head. "No, I don't know what. What?"

Malcolm leaned in close to tell a secret. "Never have I ever...told Commander Tuckah how ssssexy he looks. Shhh...don't tell him I said that."

Trip nodded. "Really? You...you think he's sexy?"

Malcolm nodded. "Yeah...'specially when he's working and thinking hard. The way he narrows his eyes and puts his tongue in the side of his mouth. Like this." Malcolm imitated Trip's "thinking expression."

Malcolm's eyes opened wide. "Trip! We-we were just talking about you. Hey! Where did that other bloke go?"

Trip shrugged a shoulder. "I dunno. You wasn't sayin' anything naughty about me...were you?" His voice sounded sensual as he ran a finger along Malcolm's cheek.

"Psshhh. No...I wouldn't say anything bad about me Tuckah...I mean...about _you_, Tuckah."

"Uh-huh...never have I ever...been attracted to my commanding officer." Trip gave Malcolm a wicked grin as he ran a finger down Malcolm's chest.

Malcolm gulped. "Well...she _does_ have a nice bum. I guess I'd have to drink...if I had one."

"Mhm. Ok...your turn." Trip narrowed his eyes and stuck his tongue in his cheek, delighted to make Malcolm shiver.

"Uh...ok...never have I ever...been wanked by another man." Malcolm laughed.

Trip gave him a look. "Really? Never? Hmmm. Oh well, guess I'd have to drink...if I had one."

"Never...never have I ever..." Malcolm closed his eyes and gulped a couple of times. When he opened his hazel grey eyes, they smoldered at Trip. "Ah hell...never have I ever gone all the way with another man." He quickly blurted out in one breath.

Trip gave him a wide grin. "And you think you'd like to?"

Malcolm nodded slowly. "If...if it were the right bloke...I think I would."

Trip leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Malcolm's lips. Malcolm ran his hands along Trip's chest and ribs, wrapping them around his back, pulling Trip in closer. "So? Have you?" Malcolm asked in a whisper.

Trip gave a quiet chuckle. "I would have to drink to that."

"Because you were curious?" Malcolm asked remembering Trip's comment about his college experience.

"No, not just because I was curious...I uh...there are certian men that I have been attracted to. Don't tell anyone but, I kinda think our armory officer is very cute. Shh...it's a secret."

Malcolm gave him a smirk as he tapped in the lock code to his quarters. "Your secret is safe with me." He gave Trip a lopsided smile as he led Trip into his room.

**_End._**

_**A/N: **The song Malcolm was singing is **All For Me Grog** by **A. L. Lloyd**_


End file.
